I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
