It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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