I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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