If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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