grandma shit on top of the toilet
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
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