The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
