I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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