life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
