Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
