You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
