I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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