All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
