if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I smell like Dick and happiness
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