Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
