i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
