Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
wow bdsm is so cute
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
