It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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