Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
