Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
