i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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