Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
