What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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