Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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