And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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