I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
