I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
