Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
