I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
