Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
