we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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