i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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