You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
