a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
