Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
