i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
