Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
