sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
