Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
