dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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