he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
it's like heaven, but drunker
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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