I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
