wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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