It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
