yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
