I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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