nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
