I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
