I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it was like eating out sand paper
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
