I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
