how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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