Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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