We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
