Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
