he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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