careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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