Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
