you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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